Two weeks ago I was in AZ with my parents. I had a great time being with them. I went to a) spend time with them and b) for some dental appointments and c) to see some people that would help me progress on my health journey. It was so awesome and I am sure that I will write a lot more about it. It was such a life changing experience.
One of the biggest experiences is though, is that the week before I left for AZ my “monthly cycle” was late. The day I left to go to AZ I took a pregnancy test and the second line was really faint. I decided to take another test in a couple of days. The day after I got there, I took another test and it was unmistakably positive. I was so excited. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I was hundreds of miles away from my husband and I didn’t want to tell him over the phone. So I kept it a secret between God and I. It was so fun! I did have to tell the healthcare providers I saw while I was there and one night, during a mental breakdown, I told my mom. It was fun having a little secret.
I was so excited for this baby! I had calculated when I was due, I was thinking of it being a part of our lives. A couple of days before I came home I saw what no happily pregnant woman wants to see. I started miscarrying. At first I hoped it was spotting but as time went on, I knew it was a miscarriage. There was a small hope that I had been pregnant with twins and was only miscarrying one. Not that I would want to miscarry any—I just hoped beyond hope that I was still pregnant.
I was pretty sure that I wasn’t pregnant yet I took a pregnancy test yesterday just to make sure. It came back negative. That is when the pain really started to hit. It was final, it was over. I really have faith that I can get pregnant again. I have faith that what happened was for a reason. I know that the next time that I get pregnant that I will be healthier. It still hurts.
I had cried a little bit in the prior weeks, but last night I really let myself grieve. I really cried and cried and cried and bawled and cried and then I cried some more. My husband just held me and let me cry. It hurt. And due to my new food restrictions, there was no getting ice cream and brownies. I couldn’t turn to food for my comfort and it was amazing that because I didn’t try to comfort myself, I really could just feel the pain—and it was good.
That is what I am thankful for today, I am thankful for pain. I am thankful for hurt. I am thankful for loneliness. I am thankful for trials. I am thankful that life just sucks sometimes.
Because of this pain, I am more thankful for my children. I have four beautiful children that came to me in four years. I am so thankful that I was blessed, for a while, with abundant fertility. I am thankful for the days when I feel befriended and loved. I am thankful for the days when I feel complete and whole. I am thankful for the days when I feel content. I am thankful for every little baby that my friends are all bearing right now. I am thankful that God is good. I am thankful that God gave me emotions to FEEL, and I am so thankful that I didn’t try to push them away this time. I am so thankful that I am able to grieve. I am thankful for happiness. I am thankful for THIS mortal experience. I am thankful that next time someone tells me that they had a miscarriage I will be able to have more compassion and understanding. I will have more of an emotional response instead of thinking, “well there must have been something wrong with the baby so it is a good thing.” It doesn’t FEEL like it was a good thing to “have something wrong with the baby.” I get that now. I truly am so grateful for this experience.
God is good—even when He allows us to feel pain. It makes the happiness so much sweeter.
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.