Two weeks ago I was in AZ with my parents. I had a great
time being with them. I went to a) spend time with them and b) for some dental
appointments and c) to see some people that would help me progress on my health
journey. It was so awesome and I am sure that I will write a lot more about it.
It was such a life changing experience.
One of the biggest experiences is though, is that the week
before I left for AZ my “monthly cycle” was late. The day I left to go to AZ I
took a pregnancy test and the second line was really faint. I decided to take
another test in a couple of days. The day after I got there, I took another
test and it was unmistakably positive. I was so excited. My husband and I had
been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I was hundreds of miles away from
my husband and I didn’t want to tell him over the phone. So I kept it a secret
between God and I. It was so fun! I did have to tell the healthcare providers I
saw while I was there and one night, during a mental breakdown, I told my mom.
It was fun having a little secret.
I was so excited for this baby! I had calculated when I was
due, I was thinking of it being a part of our lives. A couple of days before I
came home I saw what no happily pregnant woman wants to see. I started
miscarrying. At first I hoped it was spotting but as time went on, I knew it
was a miscarriage. There was a small hope that I had been pregnant with twins
and was only miscarrying one. Not that I would want to miscarry any—I just
hoped beyond hope that I was still pregnant.
I was pretty sure that I wasn’t pregnant yet I took a
pregnancy test yesterday just to make sure. It came back negative. That is when
the pain really started to hit. It was final, it was over. I really have faith
that I can get pregnant again. I have faith that what happened was for a
reason. I know that the next time that I get pregnant that I will be healthier.
It still hurts.
I had cried a little bit in the prior weeks, but last night
I really let myself grieve. I really cried and cried and cried and bawled and
cried and then I cried some more. My husband just held me and let me cry. It
hurt. And due to my new food restrictions, there was no getting ice cream and
brownies. I couldn’t turn to food for my comfort and it was amazing that
because I didn’t try to comfort myself, I really could just feel the pain—and it
was good.
That is what I am thankful for today, I am thankful for
pain. I am thankful for hurt. I am thankful for loneliness. I am thankful for
trials. I am thankful that life just sucks sometimes.
Because of this pain, I am more thankful for my children. I
have four beautiful children that came to me in four years. I am so thankful
that I was blessed, for a while, with abundant fertility. I am thankful for the
days when I feel befriended and loved. I am thankful for the days when I feel
complete and whole. I am thankful for the days when I feel content. I am
thankful for every little baby that my friends are all bearing right now. I am
thankful that God is good. I am thankful that God gave me emotions to FEEL, and
I am so thankful that I didn’t try to push them away this time. I am so
thankful that I am able to grieve. I am thankful for happiness. I am thankful
for THIS mortal experience. I am thankful that next time someone tells me that
they had a miscarriage I will be able to have more compassion and
understanding. I will have more of an emotional response instead of thinking, “well
there must have been something wrong with the baby so it is a good thing.” It
doesn’t FEEL like it was a good thing to “have something wrong with the baby.”
I get that now. I truly am so grateful
for this experience.
God is good—even when He allows us to feel pain. It makes
the happiness so much sweeter.
Psalms 30:12
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.
Great post. I completely get where you're coming from (this is Kate (formerly) Kinsel, by the way). We tried for 3.5 years to get pregnant after catching the first month with Amelia. I had two failed IVF's, two failed IUI's and was on fertility drugs for 6 months before that. Nothing worked. Until something did and we got pregnant with Sebastian all on our own...something the fertility doctors said would be very rare. I'd love to have more kids, but I feel very grateful to be blessed with the two I have. I've also miscarried...it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'd rather not be pregnant, than to miscarry. I love your great attitude.
ReplyDeleteWow Kate! I had no idea that you had gone through all of that. My goodness! We women don't seem to talk about that sort of thing very often. I am so happy that you got that ADORABLE little boy. He sure is a very handsome baby. I am sure he is even more of a miracle to you because of all you had been through. That is the blessing in all of it. I really took my kids for granted because they came so quickly and easily. I hope you are adjusting well. Adjusting to 2 was a challenge for me. I felt so pulled in different directions. Thanks always being such a great example to me. Thank you for sharing your experience.
DeleteFirst of all I love your new heading so cute. Sorry you had to go through this but as you said everything is for a reason. Most of the time we don't know the reason at the time. Right now I am living by "with God I can do hard things" sometimes things are harder than others. Hang in there and know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteSo true. With God we can do hard things. I am sure you are going through one of the hardest things in your life. Trusting in the Lord is one of the greatest things in life. I feel so sad for people that try to go through hard things now knowing He is there. And thank you for the compliment on my header--I love it too!
DeleteI love you so much!!! Before I got married the Dr. said that I would have a hard time bearing children. Laura did come twice. She had to go back for more instruction. Meagan had to go back also. She seemed to cause my body more trouble, hormone ways. I am so thankful for you and what a great person and friend you have been to our family. You are a blessing!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh I love you too so much! I loved being at your home while I was in AZ. I have so many memories of love, peace, and the spirit in your home. I had 4 doctors tell me that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without help. Then I had 4 kids in 4 years. So should have had 5 doctors tell me that and I would have been set ;) Of course I would have never thought that I would have been blessed with 4 so I really do feel very blessed. I just feel like there is one more waiting to come to our family. If it wasn't for that, I could be very content with my little band of kiddos! Love you!
DeleteI will be very up front--I've never had a miscarriage. But reading your post made my heart a little achy. Waiting and waiting so long and then (seemingly) having it snatched out of your hands (or your heart) is so painful. I'm glad you are letting yourself grieve. And that you're able to approach such a painful experience with such a beautiful perspective.
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda :) It was very early so that part was easier I think. I think that the trying for a year did make it harder. know there are women that go through so much more. My heart aches for them too. Grieveing is good--the end of the cycle is acceptance!
DeleteBruce and I found out April of this year I was expecting. We went to our 9 week appointment and heard the heart beating. Everything seemed normal and we anticipated transitioning to a bigger car, rearranged rooms, and started to transition into my old pregnancy clothes. I had it all planned out mentally for this little one to come. At the 12 week appointment my OBGYN couldn't get a heartbeat on her sonogram and rushed us to LDS hospital where they had larger screens and more advanced equipment. I was no Dr. but I could see of that huge screen that the heart was not moving when the technician moved that ultrasound wand to my belly. They said it looked like it had just happened in the last few days. I was in shock for most of the day. It was June 21st, the longest day of the year and it felt like the longest day of my life. I had a Dilation and Curettage a few days later. All I could say was I felt like I was "broken". Broken as in humbled and my heart was in pain. If fact relating this to you still brings back memories that I am still trying to work through. In my brokenness I just allowed others to serve me. When people said "I'll bring you a meal" I accepted. When others tried to comfort me, I allowed them (even in their awkward ways) into my world. I just gave up any fight and just allowed others to serve me and help me. It was huge in my recovery and it helped big time. My brother and sister in law had miscarried a year before and emailed me Daughtry's song Gone Too Soon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M I listened, cried, and had some cathartic experiences and will think of him (we had genetic testing to determine the sex was and if I there were any genetic defects- which there weren't). They said a third was genetic defects so it would result in a spontaneous abortion, structural issues with the placenta and uterus itself, and the other third they just don't know why. I went to the temple with Bruce and just had this thought that motherhood was not just for this life. I would continue to be a creator of children and would experience a fullness of joy in the next life as I would be a mother there. It was like God just peeled back the veil and gave me a peek to give me the bigger picture to comfort me in my pain. I just take comfort in the thought that maybe I could raise this spirit. I don't know if it's true we can do that but I feel a closeness to this baby that could have been. I have been given many blessing to help comfort me. All have helped in the healing process. Nothing can really make this pain be eliminated. There still feels like this hole in my heart. I'm not in a place where I can think about trying to have another baby right now which scares me because I am 39 and my window of time is limited. I am grateful for and do appreciate the boys I do have now. I just hope and pray for anyone who is pregnant to have a healthy baby and full term pregnancy. My heart goes out to you Tiffany. I hope for healing for you and your family. We love you!
ReplyDeleteOh my dear, sweet Cathi, I am so sorry that you had to /are going through that. It is amazing the burdens we carry so silently. That song was so amazingly tender, sweet and right on. You are such a strength to me--you always have been. I love you so much! There is such a bigger picture here. That is wonderful to know. It doesn't take away the pain of the moment--and that is okay. I can understand the feeling of brokenness. I think I also feel it in a physical sense too--like I am also physically broken. I am working hard to heal and become whole. Love you girl!
DeleteThanks, Tiffany. Your emotions translated into words are so tender and so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty.
Tiffany, thank you for personally sharing this post with me. I can especially relate right now in having had another miscarriage in December. There are so many similarities we feel, deep deep sorrow oh I cried in deep waves through loosing Hal, that picked up later once I thought they were over. I like you felt such a happiness for women who were pregnant...that is such a great blessing we shared to have joy in other's blessings, and to have joy in other's miracles of life. I also couldn't believe how dear life became to me, how dearer my children alive felt to me. You do in the sorrow deepen and brighten your realization for what you have. I also awakened to the realization of pain people experienced that I never before comprehended, at all. I don't know if our feelings are similar because we are friends, or because we both have the gospel, and internalize it with all our hearts to our best. My sorrowing has only just begun with this miscarriage, and God has been merciful to release it as I am ready and able to move through it. Some of our mightier capacities to relate to the human experience with others can happen only through our greatest sorrows. How hard it must have been for you, to have been trying to get pregnant for a year!! My situation is a little different, we were moving and I didn't want to try yet and felt I was just still grieving and healing from the last miscarriage, and felt some promptings about a certain baby with a certain name, and so I exercised my faith that I would heal in Him though not ready yet. So it was vulnerable and scary to begin with, but maybe I didn't need to begin just yet and it was just that he had told me she was next and etc. Like you I know what a blessing it will be if I can wait and heal up my body! Loss in aching for life, must have been really hard, because this is and will be plenty hard for me, if I am pregnant by that miracle chance that I do have a twin yet, again with sweet shared desires like you had, and have to go through it with a depleted body and emotions, but with such hope and joy about it being ordained in God's time frame to let the miracle happen now, and it will be hard to move forward as well as in trying to obey the Lord when I am not ready to obey in this way and less prepared to have it end in sorrow and a heart full of doubts of my ability to interpret the Holy Ghost and hurt from loss. I hope we can keep up our friendship in closeness, I will try to keep reaching out, as I will need the support both ways!
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