So I thought that the birth of my fifth baby might actually be the death of my blog. It has been months since I wrote, but I have been healing and soaking up every second of this fresh little baby that I could (and sneaking in naps whenever I got a chance.) Abigail Grace Thomsonwas born on October 6, 2014 via an emergency c-section. This emergency c-section wasn’t anything like the twins for the emergency wasn’t as immediate. When the twins were born, they had gone into fetal distress and had to be out within 20 minutes, I think is what the doctor told me. Abigail was just able to get her hand past her head and my doctor wouldn’t deliver with her arm past her head as he said that it could cause injury or even permanent damage.
Abigail was due on October 2nd, but I had NEVER gone all the way until my due date. So my parents packed up the car and came the Monday before the baby was due. Well, it was fantastic to have them there! I had…oh I can’t remember the name of it anymore…some condition where my pubic bones separate farther than they are supposed to and it feels like you are walking on broken bones. It is extremely painful. I developed it with the twins too, and just chalked it up to twins. When I got it again with Abigail, I did a little research and found out that this wasn’t normal. This totally helped me feel better when I was using the electronic scooters at the grocery store. Anyway, it was great having my parents there to show them the ropes of homeschool, since they were going to be subbing for me, and have company through the nail biting last stages of pregnancy.
Well, October 2nd came and went and I was still pregnant. On the morning of Ocotober 6th I got up off the couch to get ready for my doctors appointment only to feel a little pop and have water run down my leg. It wasn’t a huge gush, but I knew my water had broke. Josh had stayed home from work to go to the Doctor with me. When we went to the Doctor, he confirmed that my water had broke and sent me to the hospital right away. I hadn’t started having contractions yet so I told him that I didn’t want to be on pictocin and he was pretty alarmed. He looked at me and exclaimed, “you don’t mean to tell me that you want to have this baby natural do you?” I guess I didn’t talk to him about my birth plan! I had asked him several months before when we were discussing the VBAC if he would let me go natural and he said yes. So I thought we were good to go! I told him that I did want to have this baby natural. He seemed supportive, but I could tell that it wasn’t his first choice.
I came home and my Dad and my Husband gave me a *priesthood blessing. I then went to the hospital and settled in with my meditation music and went into the zone. I was very relaxed and comfortable. I didn’t mind the monitors since I was planning on just relaxing through everything but those darn monitors didn’t work very well on me and the Dr. wasn’t okay with that since it was a VBAC so he inserted internal monitors. When he did the floor of my amniotic sac broke and water gushed everywhere. The nurse couldn’t hand him towels fast enough, and he jokingly said to call the floor below and let them know there was a flood coming their way!
The doctor kept trying to get me to take and epidural. He stated that the Nurse Anesthetist also would have been more comfortable if I would get the epidural. He came into my room several times urging me to get an epidural. I know he didn’t care about the pain. I wasn’t in pain, and he respected that but he was worried about having to do an emergency c-section. I held my ground though and politely refused. I was fine and I honestly didn’t have a single worry about my uterus rupturing.
Then just as my cervix started getting down to business, Abi got her hand past her head and it was off to the operating room. Honestly if I would have known that I was going to have to have another c-seciton, I am not sure I could have gone ahead and gotten pregnant, and even if I could have done that, I would have been a wreck my whole entire pregnancy in anticipation and terror of the c-section. The c-section with the twins was scary and caused some PTSD. This c-section was night and day difference. I got a spinal block instead of and epidural and I couldn’t feel a thing. The staff wasn’t rushed or hurried, but calm and happy. My doctor had another doctor with him and they quickly but calmly were able to get to the baby, and bring Abigail Grace into this world. She was born at 7:05, and weighed in at 9lbs. 3oz. Hearing her cry was a beautiful noise. Her first breath, took mine away. Josh stood up and snapped a few pictures of our sweet angel and showed them to me. Then before they took her away to clean her up, the nurse came and brought her to me. I held her tiny hand and she quieted right down. She knew I was mommy and I knew she was the baby I had been anticipating, trying for and working to get here for years. It was all worth it in that moment.
As soon as she was no longer part of me, they took her away and sent my husband with them. I was at peace, but anxious to be reunited. It wasn’t how I had planned it, and I hated that they had to take her to another room. I got to hold my baby about an hour later. She was chubby, and perfect. Oh and the hair! She was born with a full head of dark curly hair! My beautiful baby!
I struggled with feelings of failure since I hadn’t been able to have the VBAC that I so desired. With the twins I had body hatred for so long because I felt like my body had failed me. This time, I didn’t feel like it was my body’s fault, but my fault. What if I had gone with a doctor that was more supportive of VBACs or of Natural birth? What if I would have taken the Pitocin and epidural, would I have been able to deliver before she was able to get her hand out? What if I would have gone to a birth center? Or picked a different care provider that felt comfortable delivering an arm first baby?
Stopping the “what if” train was a monumental task, but so important to my healing. What if her arm would have been crushed? There are too many “what ifs” in this world. We all do it don’t we? I mean it is natural—when something doesn’t turn out the way you want, to look back, figure out where you went wrong, so that next time you can do it better. Yet the “what ifs” can eat you alive. The “what ifs” can become all consuming. It really isn’t “you have a healthy baby so that is all that matters.” Because when it comes down to it, I matter. What I have to go through also matters. It boiled down to the fact that all experiences can be for my good. God was in control. I prayed about what I should do, and in the end, God is in control. If a VBAC wasn’t in the plans for me, for whatever reason, then that was God’s will. God is the only one that could have seen how the “what ifs” would have played out and it is His show. I am His. Abigail is His. As peace washed over me after the internal struggle over the surgery, the “what ifs” and anxiety were replaced by one of my favorite scriptures, “Be still and know that I am God.”