Saturday, May 5, 2012

Warning: This may be a little on the personal side

I wrote this post a while ago. I was very reluctant to share it so I just filed it away. Today I listened to a brave woman share a similar story. To know I wasn't the only one that had these feelings meant the world to me. It empowered me to share publicly. My hope and prayer is that someone will find this, that needs to know they are not alone in their struggles.               

(4/13/12) I am not sure where to start, I just know that I have to start. I have been feeling strongly lately that I need to blog more. I need to share my heart more. I have been scared to death by this thought but, when a thought consumes you all day and night—you better do something about it. Lately I ready a great article about what our children really need, “Your children want you:” It inspired me to write this post.
A while back I had been feeling like I wanted to blog more. You know, maybe even turn it into a “professional blog.” I had put a lot of time and thought into this, and really had felt directed to follow that prompting. I didn’t know what to blog about though. I thought I could blog about my preschool, and give parents ideas on things to do with their children. I thought about blogging about twins, and helping parents that might feel overwhelmed with the prospect. I had, what I thought, were great ideas . . . and then I joined pinterest. The first time I logged on, I seriously had an anxiety attack. I am not talking figuratively. I seriously couldn’t believe the wealth of information out there. I discovered amazing blogs that were beautifully photographed, and well written. I wasn’t new to blogs—but I guess I never realized how many there were out there.
The feeling kept me away from pinterest for a while but not long. I immersed myself in pinterest. Logically I knew that I didn’t have to do all of those things, but it seemed like some land of good motherhood. I not only felt like I needed to do everything, I felt like even my best efforts couldn’t live up to this grand ideal. In addition, I would get frustrated by things that got pinned—really? Everyone doesn’t know how to melt crayons to make new multi-colored ones? Why didn’t I blog about that first? Then everyone would be repining my blog. It got crazy.
Then it happened—the thing that always happens when you compare yourself to others, either you feel prideful or feel bad about yourself. I felt as if I wasn't good enough. I could not excel. I wasn't gifted enough, smart enough, had enough time, etc. Of course I was comparing every which way I lacked to every which way EVERYONE else excelled. I even read a blog about a family that only accumulates a mason jar full of garbage every year. Can I tell you the guilt I felt multiple times a day as I swept up the Cheerio-mine-field under my table and tossed it in the bin?
Depression abounded, and I won’t even describe the very dark place I went. I started wondering why God had made such a horrible person. Thankfully I didn’t just wonder, I prayed about it. I prayed and prayed and prayed and pleaded and cried unto the Lord. My answer all started with a little gift. My little Cooper is OBSESSED with books. He carries them around with him all the time. He will get fixated on a certain book, and it must be read over and over and over. On this particular day, it was a book hopefully all of you have read: You are Special by Max Lucado. I was on the floor in the twin’s room, still in my workout clothes, my greasy pony tail piled on my head and my cheeks red and splotchy from crying. Cooper brought me the book, and at first I didn’t want to read it to him. After persistence though, I relented, and he and Amelia climbed on my lap. As I read, I cried.
I decided to have faith that I really was a daughter of God and that he didn’t make mistakes. I might not have the power and influence that I dreamed of. I may never be the best at anything, but God does have a purpose for me. The weight wasn’t lifted all at once, it took a few more tears and a lot more prayers but it did come. There were several other factors, and other people that reached out at that time. The joy that followed was greater than my sorrow had been. I recently re-read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s talk: “Forget me not” It fit perfectly with my struggle. Here he says it perfectly:
“God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.”
He also asked a good question “Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?” Mothers need to ask ourselves this question. Is pinterest evil? No. Is it evil to look for fun projects, healthy tips, new recipes? No. I think that we need to expand our knowledge, and increase our talents. We just don’t have to do everything, all at once. I know I need a little bit of time to pursue my own talents. Yet, I don’t have time, energy, or emotional strength to pursue everyone’s talents.
So I hope that as I share on this blog, no one feels as if I am preaching about what you have to do. I want to share my life, my family, my talents, and even my struggles with anyone that might benefit from it. That is what we are here on this earth to do—to build others up. I strive to do just that.


  1. Thank you for sharing! I for one struggle with similar things. Yesterday was a day full of self loathing. Then this morning in our fast and testimony meeting, a man was talking about his MIL passing away. He was talking about her life saying how it was a good full life, how she had I think 6 children 40 grandchildren and 100+ great grandchildren, and that the funeral was such a party because all her children and their families got along so well. What a beautiful tribute. When I thought about this, I wondered what someone would say about me when I passed away. I felt the tender mercies of the Lord comfort me that while I don't have fame or fortune, in temporal respects, I really won the lottery so to speak with my family. I love them and they love me. So glad those sweet children of yours acted through the spirit, and reminded you of the truly amazing wife and mother you are. They are the evidence of your hard work and effort. I for one think you are pretty close to perfect and in the areas that matter most, you are a super star!

  2. I agree with Liz. You are amazing. You were one of my favorite babysitters and are still one of my favorite people. I'm glad I've been able to see you a couple times in the last couple years. I too struggle with thinking my house isn't perfect. It's messy, I'm a terrible decorator, it's not organized, I don't make good use of my time, I'm not a good mother, etc. I have decided that I need to change to be the person I want to be. I can't compare myself to those that have beautiful homes and can create something out of nothing. That's not me. That's not my strength. I'm choosing the things I want to improve in myself and working on those, and not letting myself get frustrated about the other things. Thank you so much for sharing. I think it's something many more of us struggle with, at least to some extent, than we realize.

  3. Thank you, Tiffany. There are many things I feel I am not so good at, and this has been a struggle of mine as well. Reading my mom's journals I believe it is a struggle that even the most perfectly-appearing mom deals with. Lately I have been focusing on the same mentality, that what I need to do is different from what others need to do. And as long as I am prayerful about it and consistently seek the inspiration of the Holy Ghost to guide me as a mother and wife and daughter of God, and follow that inspiration, then I will be blessed, as will my family.

    Thanks for posting this!

  4. What an eloquent way you expressed something we have all felt!!! I've told you before what a wonderful writer I think you are. I would love to be able to take the jumble of feelings I have and magically turn them into the written word like you do! Oh how I can relate at times to your feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding on! My biggest mistake was to think that once I got to be my age all the insecurities and self-doubts would be gone and I would have things "figured out." Maybe in my 50's?? Anyway, know that you are loved and respected for all you are doing. Life is hard, and somehow we are all clawing our way through, and trying to look as graceful as possible as we go. What I'm REALLY grateful for, are those moments when we do feel like we measure up, that we are worthy in some small measure of all the blessings we have, and that hopefully someday Heavenly Father will look at us and give us an "A" for effort. At least that is what I'm aiming for!! I love you Tiff, and this is one girl that thinks you are AMAZING!!!

  5. Thank you Tiffany. I needed this so much and you have brought me so much peace this afternoon. You are amazing and never forget it.


Join in the conversation!