Monday, August 12, 2013

Running on fumes

I will be the first to admit I LOST it today. After my 7 year-old yelling at me when I asked him to do his jobs and then demanding to be PAID to do them. After my 3 year-old was taking drink of milk, but then spitting it all over the floor, and then when I asked him to clean it up he said "I can't." After my 7 and 5 year-olds were found in a shovel fight with the local boys, and my 5 year-old talked back to the adult that found and took care of the said shovel fight. After my two 3 year-olds have both yelled and screamed when I asked them to do anything today. After my 7 year-old was attacked (so he says) and then proceeded to get into a fight with the neighborhood boys. After my 5 and 7 year kept arguing with each other. After my 3 year-old daughter attacked me (nails and fists) when I took my lip gloss away. After my 3 year-old son kept getting out of his bed at nap time, ignored me, was angry and yelled at me. I lost it. I didn't lose it once, after all of this happened, I lost it EVERY TIME. My cheeks are tear stained and my heart feels broken. 

Most of my friends are looking forward to sending their kids to school next week. Most mothers are rejoicing that they get to send their kids to schools to be socialized, taught, trained, and most of all taken care of. Moms around the nation are planning their "me" time--or at least all the money they will save by not having to pay for full time daycare.

Today it sounded great. I am beat-down, broken, and feel like I have NOTHING left to give. My house is trashed and my kids are unhappy. Wouldn't it make sense to just send them to school? That is what everyone tells me when I say I homeschool, "oh I couldn't do that because I don't have patience." or "my kids don't listen to me." Their solution is to send them to public school--leave it to the professionals!

I was loving the idea so much took all four of my kids to the local elementary school to look around. I talked to the secretary. She wasn't happy at the idea of having two new kids. She seemed annoyed that I hadn't decided a long time ago what we were going to do for school. We walked around the empty hall ways and went into a dark classroom. The kids seemed to like the school.

We came home and I decided to look for a job. If I was going to be treated so poorly, I was going to get paid for it. They didn't have anything for a broken down, middle-aged, out of energy woman! Hummm.... seems like no one wants to pay for what I (don't) do!

It was taken back to a day a month or so ago. The thrill of waking up at 5 am and working out was gone. I went to the pool and struggled. As I swam laps, I kept bumping into the ropes--my arms and legs felt more like flinging than swimming. At water aerobics I kept bumping into the side of the "lazy river" (that we were going against the current in.) We did an ab exercise that I couldn't do. On the way home, the thought crossed my mind--"I am no good at this, I should just give up." Luckily the next thought that came was, "if you give up, you will never be good at it."

This morning I swam in a lane next to a REALLY fast swimmer. He probably did 3 laps to my one. I noticed how effortless he seemed to glide through the water. The thought that crossed my mind this time though was, wow look at what a lot of hard work, practice, and time did for him. I am sure that he has a natural ability, but he had to choose to develop that talent through hard work over time. 

It has gotten better for me. I actually think I am getting stronger. Most days I still feel worn out, yet I realize that is because I am doing more. If I had given up, I wouldn't be better.

Today I wanted to run away from raising my kids. I wanted to give-up, throw in the towel, and quit. I am not talking about homeschooling--I really wanted to give up on the WHOLE thing. But I know that if I do, I won't get better. The things that I know I need to learn right now won't be learned. 

I am here, barely, but at least for one more day. And I am so thankful that I get to try again tomorrow. I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven that doesn't give up on me!

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